Amazon Boosts Employee Retention with Hot Innovative Tech Concept “Stockholm Syndrome”

“There’s no where else they want to work after experiencing sentimental trauma” Jeff Bezos proclaimed to thunderous applause in an online shareholder meeting this Wednesday. Jeff touted “the best part is it’s completely ethical and legal due to the DSM not listing Stockholm Syndrome as a psychiatric condition”.

Bezos credits his paradigm shifting idea to the “forward-thinking” Symbionese Liberation Army, a “trail-blazing” group [who] “saved Patty Hearst by forcing her to listen to their industry-disrupting business model”. “If they never kidnapped her and forced her to rob banks, she never would have found a home where she belonged. Here at Amazon, we strive to be that home that comes and captures you” Bezos told the grid of giddy shareholders.

One of Bezos methods of integrating this technique has been offering warehouse employees free work transportation through “Prime-nappings”, where fast-learning self-starters forcefully enter an employees house, blindfold them, then throw them into van that transports them to the distribution center. “They have a blast, its like a cold shower or a morning run, real go-getter stuff” Bezos beams in front of his virtual background of a windowless room with chains hanging from a wall.

It was shared that employees have become so enamored with the new work culture that “employees even refused to leave warehouses even when SWAT teams arrived after employees hadn’t left a site after 47 days on the job. Dave Koresh would’ve been proud”. Business Insider even listed the method as #1 on the “Silicon Startup Culture Essentials”.

Bezos remarks the secret to the Stockholm syndrome success is that “the sympathetic sentiments that captives feel towards their employers are the opposite of the fear and disdain which an onlooker might feel towards the Executives”.

Bezos admits he does know one person who resisted the method that “recently become a billionaire thanks to my hard work”, but Bezos refused to name names. Bezos ended the meeting with a blank side with the words ”2022: Gaslighting. Get Ready.”.

Slackjaw fuckin sucks lol